this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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