I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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