Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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