the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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