Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
