i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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