At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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