Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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