I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
