You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
