Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize