Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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