well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
