i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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