Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
