you traded sex for a burrito?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
