I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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