I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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