It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
A bitchslap is in order.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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