i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
