i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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