I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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