so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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