you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
