Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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