2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
