this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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