He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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