when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
