This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
