this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
