if i died would you start the facebook group?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
