pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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