you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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