Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
