Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
