I'm really into asian looking animals
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
