You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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