We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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