i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
