Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
