Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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