I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
