I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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