you turned your livingroom into a bong?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
