this boner is exhausting
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
