if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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