she smelled like a LAN party
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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