We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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