He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
