I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize