Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
