You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
