I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
