I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
