even my farts smell like vagina
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
