textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
