dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
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